Online Dating Scammer

Originally posted on August 31:

Well folks it has happened!! I've heard about these dating scammers but have been fortunate enough to not encounter any of them in all my years of online dating. That is, until about 3 weeks ago!

This really nice guy, 9 years younger than I am contacted me. Now if I was not previously contacted by younger men I might have been suspicious but I do receive a lot of emails from younger guys. Shawn was a sweetheart and seemed totally smitten with me. He certainly didn't appear to be internet-savvy since his msn account showed his first and last name. He took his time charming me and had the right balance of sweet, syrupy, schmaltz and sassiness. He seemed to have a good sense of humour and we enjoyed a lot of playful banter, but never anything intimate. I told him that I reserve those conversations for someone I've met and am officially dating. He totally understood.

We exchanged photos and he had two professional looking photos and one casual photo in his kitchen. I asked about the professional shots and he said his ex was a photographer.

We talked about all kinds of things, including the fact that he owns his own businss and was working hard so he could retire early. I offered that while I made a good salary I tended to live in the moment more so than he. I don't recall the context of the conversation but there were no alarms when the discussion of credit cards came up. I mentioned how when I travelled for work that I had an Aeroplan Amex to maximize the miles, but downgraded to a no-fee card when I stopped travelling. I also mentioned that I had my mastercard account since I was 18. (In hindsight I told him a lot with that statement.) He wondered if it was a BMO account and I recall thinking that it was an odd thing to ask and I didn't answer.

Things progressed and he asked for my phone number. I gave him my cell and when he asked for my home number I said that I would give it to him later - when the time is right. I asked for his number and got a cell, but he claimed to have no land line.

We talked on the phone a few times and one time I phoned him he didn't answer. It rolled to voicemail and what I found odd was that there was no personalized message on it. For a guy who owns a business and has no land line I thought that to be strange.

Well around Wednesday of the second week of our contact he announced that he had to go to Shanghai to meet a supplier and ensure that they could meet the supply commitment as he had secured a contract with a major retailer. He left early Saturday morning and as expected I didn't hear from him until later Sunday evening, which was Monday, Shanghai time. 12hr time difference.

Conveniently he forgot his digital camera so was unable to send me pictures and was very vague about what he was doing every day. My spider senses were tingling now and I noticed that the times he was online didn't jive well with a 12 hr time difference and reasonable sleep/work hours. He'd come online at 5 am his time, and again at 12:30 am - 3:00 am, and that was it. Very rarely did I get a message in between but occasionally I'd get an email around 11:00 am his time. This was the pattern for about 4 days and then on Thursday he came online and started complaining about BMO.

Apparently he had decided to move all of his business funds (and made a point of telling me he had $60k in the account) to a bank in Shanghai so he wouldn't have to carry a lot of cash. He said that the bank screwed up and his money was on hold for 30 days and he might get stuck in Shanghai until it was resolved and the deal might fall through. Alarm bells rang immediately. I encouraged him to talk to the bank since it was their screw up and he said he'd figure something out. After we disconnected I hit Google in the fast lane. I searched out all the online dating scams and found a lot of similarity and common indicators, however his particular scenario was unique. There was enough commonality, however for me to be 99% certain that I had a scammer on my hands.

On Friday he came online, right on schedule. I asked what he was going to do about the money situation. He said to me, "Let me ask you this. Can I even trust you with my money?" I said, "No. You shouldn't trust strangers. I'm a stranger." and he let it drop. We chit chatted about other things and I steered the conversation back to the money. I asked why he would ask if he could trust me with his money and he decided that since I asked, he'd tell me his plan.

He said he had a client who wanted to pay him but since he was in Shanghai he couldn't take care of it so he was thinking I could do it on his behalf. He wanted me to deposit it into my credit card and when it cleared, take it out and send it to him. He hadn't figured out yet in what form and how I'd send it to him but said he'd figure it out when we get there.

After playing dumb for a while and getting him to reveal exactly what he wanted me to do, and him countering all my logical arguments against the plan, I finally told him that it sounded like money laundering, and that he was a scammer with no interest in dating me. He laughed it off and said to not worry about it, he understands my concern and he will prove to me when we meet that he's good for it. I'm not sure what he meant but I found it odd that he didn't get the least bit upset that I accused him of fraud and illegal activity. He immediately changed the subject and after a few short minutes said that he had to get some sleep.

That was Friday around 1pm and I have not had an email or attempted IM from him since, which goes against the established pattern. I really hope he goes away now. Thank God my Spider Senses served me well again, because despite finally allowing my walls to crumble, I always had one foot on the ground. He definitely fell into the "too good to be true" category and while I got into it, I took it with a grain of salt.

The one thing I've learned since I posted this experience is that this wasn't a case of money laundering but rather an attempt to get my credit card information under the guise of depositing money. Once he had my credit card info he would have been long gone! Bank on it!

Great Resources for Online Dating Scam Detection

Being educated is the best way to protect yourself. Below are some warning signs you should be on the lookout for, followed by some websites to check out:

Now remember, some of these on their own are perfectly innocent and normal, however in the context of other suspicious behaviour keep an eye out!! Don't give out any personal information until you have met the person LIVE and start to form a real relationship. Of course NEVER give out financial information! Never, ever, ever!!! If someone needs your help, make the purchase on their behalf, but never give anyone access to your accounts. A real friend would never ask!

• Quickly want to move from the online site to an IM program
• No picture posted on their ad on the dating site - since it's not their photo the more people who see it, the greater the chance of being outed!
• Professional looking photos, almost none in a natural/casual setting
• Early discussion about finances and/or credit cards that seem in context
• "Too good to be true" - looks, personality, level of interest or feelings
• Asking a lot about you but not offering a lot about them
• Odd times that they come online and don't tend to stay on long (someone who's interested could spend hours chatting)
• May provide a phone number but doesn't answer when you call and voicemail doesn't identify the person
• Asks what part of town you live in
• Asks your last name
• Sob story of some sort to gain your sympathy
• Poor English/typing skills
• They have a way of finding your weakness/needs/interests, and playing on them. Notice how the second guy said he had just got back from golf. The first interest listed in my profile is golf! Hmmmm

http://www.bustathief.com/dating-scam-internet-dating-fraud/
http://online-dating.suite101.com/article.cfm/internet_dating_scams
http://www.consumerdirect.gov.uk/watch_out/scams/online-dating/
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8704213/
http://www.nzherald.co.nz/section/1/story.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10529343&ref=rss
http://www.crime-research.org/news/29.03.2005/1084/

This site is a database of photos and details of the scammer: http://www.stop-scammers.com/

I've Become A Scammer Magnet!!!

Tonight I was online and a guy sends me a message with a photo attached. Right away I'm suspicious because the guy is WAY too good looking and the photo looks like something from Hollywood. I questioned the guy on the photo and he said he used to some modelling. What came next was interesting...read the exchange:


The first email was his reply to my first reply. This is the picture he attached

Following is the chain of emails that ensued. Note how he tries to play on potentially low self esteem:

Me: Tell me about where your photo was taken. It looks interesting... like an Italian movie star!

Him: well i am indian.

Me: That's fine. I am just curious about the photo. It's not your typical "guy on a motorcycle" or "guy flipping burgers" kind of photo that I'm used to seeing online. It looks like there's an interesting story there. :-)

Him: i tried to do modelling but too much competition.i got these pics taken a yr back.if u want other pics of me without clothes let me know

Me: No thanks.

Him: u thought i was serious

Me: I guess I'm having a hard time reading you! lol

Him: why r u trying to read me.and i am a good poker player so i dont think u can.just ask me and i will tell u.i know what u r thinking,why is this good looking guy even sending messages to me.is this his real pic or he got it from the internet. right. i can tell u even more things that u will not believe

Me: Well yep, you've pretty much nailed it right there. What else can you tell me that you don't think I'll believe?

Him: i feel u have inferiority complex about yourself.i dont know why.u have a beautiful face and u r a intelligent women.i think u been through a lot of friendships with men and never could hold on to someone u liked or loved................ u dont trust guys...so whenever someone approaches u,u want to find out why.maybe he will use me and go away.but let me tell u that everybody is not same

Me: That's not it at all. I know all kinds of people have all different tastes in what they find attractive, however I recently spend some time chatting to someone who turned out to be a scammer. Right now I don't trust anyone for that reason. My trust needs to be earned - I no longer give it freely and my self esteem is quite solid.


After this he stopped corresponding. Again, trusting my spider senses I Googled Bollywood actors and on my second hit I found the photo of the actor Harman Baweja. Check the link: http://www.bollywoodworld.ca/bwgallery/displayimage-lastup-7-6.html

The Wait is Over/The Weight is Over

My tests came back today. Negative for breast cancer. PHEW! I no longer have to wait, and the weight on my shoulders has been lifted. Thank you all for your amazing support while I waited for my news. I really am the luckiest person in the world.

I'm Touched

First of all, thank you so much Laura for your lovely post about my left boob. For the record, you too have become very special to me as well and your blogger friends are pretty amazing. To receive such good vibes from people who don't know me is very moving. No matter what the outcome I'll be touched by this experience forever.

Yesterday I had the biopsy. I was very nervous that it would hurt. Ironic for someone who managed quite well through two root canals within three months last year. But it didn't hurt and I only have minor aching today. Nothing even worthy of a tylenol.

The radiologist informed me that it could take as long as two weeks to get the results. So I wait. I may not get the results on May 14th as I had hoped. I wait.

Now here is the kicker. The whole reason I went in for the mammogram to begin with was because I had some itchiness that the doctor wanted checked. She asked for a biopsy on what looks like some scar tissue from all the scratching, but it seems this request got derailed by the discovery of the lump. Yesterday as I was laying on the table waiting for the procedure to begin, the ultrasound technologist noticed the request on my file and told me she'd have to request another appointment for me because that requires a surgeon, not the radiologist who was doing the biopsy on the lump. Yes, it's true. I have to go for another biopsy. And so I wait.

To pass the time I'm wrapped up in work - so busy my head is spinning - and at home the nesting instinct has kicked back in and I'm doing my best impression of an Italian mother. Who makes 6 dozen meatballs and a big pot of spaghetti sauce on a weeknight? Ummm... yeah. That would be me.

I've stocked up on beading supplies to keep me busy over the next little while. I find when I'm creative I don't think about anything. My next creation is going to be bright and cheery and full of colour. When I wear the bracelet I will bring to reality the expression "wearing my heart on my sleeve" because that is the outlook I strive to maintain every day and I will do my best to not let this boob experience change that. My wonderful friends and family, and even people who don't know me will see to it that I don't stumble. I'm the luckiest person in the world. There's not much more I could want in my life, and so I wait with a big smile on my face, love in my heart and a positive outlook thanks to you all.

Cheers!

T Minus 38 hrs, 12 minutes

It's 10:18 pm on Sunday night. My biopsy is scheduled for 12:30 on Tuesday afternoon. To say I'm nervous is an understatement. The first cause of my nervousness has to do with the discomfort or even pain I may experience on Tuesday. The second is the "elephant in the room" - the results. Although I don't know anything yet and the odds are I have nothing to worry about, I find I am noticing everything that is cancer related and thinking about what my experience will be.

Last night I saw a lady who looked like she must be going through chemotherapy. I saw her patchy hair and my heart skipped a beat. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love my hair. How would I manage if that were me? What will I do if it is my fate?

Today I drove past the Tour Nortel route. Another cancer related fundraising event. Coincidence or am I just hyper aware of all that is cancer related because of my lump? I think about what it might be like as a single woman and having to lose my breast. Who could love me without something that is a major part of my identity?

This being said I'm surrounded by so much love, positive energy and good wishes it's hard to believe that I could have anything but a good result from the biopsy; but that doesn't mean my mind will let escape thinking of the possibilities in the event that it is the other result.

So many women have fought this battle and survived. These are the most amazing women I've ever met. Would I have the strength to do what they have done? Fear is gripping me in flashes but for the most part I'm doing okay. How can I not be okay with this incredible support system? Like I said in my previous blog, I'm not ready to leave this world. I still have this need to make a difference and I haven't even begun to try.

So.... I'm saying it now. I refuse to let this stop me no matter what results I get on May 14th.

My Left Boob

I recently had a mammogram. Lots of women have mammograms. I'm at that age where it's time to monitor things more closely so I never thought much of it. That is until the hospital phoned to ask me to go back for another AND an ultrasound. "It could just be blurry films" she said when asked if they saw something. So this is what I assumed until the letter came from the hospital and it clearly stated "LEFT SIDE". Blurry films my ass. They saw something and now I'm not supposed to worry. Thankfully work has been exceptionally busy and I was only plagued with a wandering mind here and there, but for the most part I wasn't terribly concerned. The more women I spoke with, the more I learned that this happens quite frequently.

So on Friday I had another mammogram, however it was different this time. She only wanted to see my left boob. She only wanted to xray about a 2" square patch on my left boob. After she got the films she confirmed that yes, indeed I will need to have the ultrasound. CRAP. Don't worry? hmmmmm

I went to the ultrasound and again she only wanted a specific location on my left boob. As she was passing the paddle over my left boob I could see the monitor. I could see her marking and taking pictures of what appeared to be a very sizable dark spot in my left boob. Hmmmmm. Hard not to worry now. I CAN SEE IT. IT LOOKS HUGE! The technician finished and toddled off to show the radiologist to review the pictures.

When she returned she announced that indeed the radiologist will be coming in to speak with me, but not to panic. SAY WHAT? NOT PANIC? I will admit that she was a very sweet lady and knew that no matter what she said I was still going to worry, but she was very good at trying to explain why I shouldn't panic.

Dr. Radiologist then arrived to tell me that all of the indicators of this lump in my left boob are consistent with a benign fibrous mass/deposit, except one. SAY WHAT? He advised that while he was almost certain that this is not a lump to be concerned about, he was recommending a biopsy of the lump in my left boob just to be certain. In his words, "We can do 100 biopsies to find 20 bad ones, which means there are 80 good ones." The other positive factor is that my lymph nodes are showing clear but while these odds are quite favourable, it's so hard to keep my mind in the 80's and not the 20's.

You see 8 years ago my mother found a lump. Within 6 months she was dead from an extremely aggressive form of breast cancer that went into her brain. My mother was over 60, was a heavy smoker and on hormone therapy. All of the conditions under which my mother's cancer occurred do not put me at higher risk according to all the studies, but until I know, how do I not worry? How do I not remember watching my mother die from this evil disease? How do I not fret about reminding my father and my brother about the most devastating experience of their lives?

Thank GOD for my wonderful friends and family who remind me that women go through this all the time and it turns out to be nothing. But how can I not think about those women who go through this and it turns out to be something. There are no guarantees.

I know I can't change life's great plan but damn I'm not ready to face my mortality yet. I've so much left to do with my life. I still need to make a difference.

There you have it. I have a lump in my left boob.....

Feeling the Sunshine

Well I'm happy to report that the blues have finally lifted. That heaviness that plagued me since October started to lift a few weeks ago. What caused the shift? I don't really know but I made a change that needed to be made. Sometimes we hold onto things because they are too hard to let go, even if we know it's better for us. I finally let go. It was difficult and it hurt a lot, but I knew it was my only choice because whether I admitted it to myself or not, it was contributing to my mood.

Funny though, as hard as it was to let go, the spring in my step immediately returned and I felt liberated. I felt like I could finally move forward and looking back now of course I realized what my roadblock was. It's too bad. It really is, but things have to be in balance in order to achieve synergy and move forward. As much as they appeared to be synergetic, they weren't and now I see it much more clearly.

So, yes this was pretty vague. Details aren't necessary. The bottom line is that I feel like my old self again, although really I could be even happier if the damned snow would stop falling and finally melt!

Spring is around the corner and it's a symbol of new beginnings. I'm ready! Bring it on!