T Minus 38 hrs, 12 minutes

It's 10:18 pm on Sunday night. My biopsy is scheduled for 12:30 on Tuesday afternoon. To say I'm nervous is an understatement. The first cause of my nervousness has to do with the discomfort or even pain I may experience on Tuesday. The second is the "elephant in the room" - the results. Although I don't know anything yet and the odds are I have nothing to worry about, I find I am noticing everything that is cancer related and thinking about what my experience will be.

Last night I saw a lady who looked like she must be going through chemotherapy. I saw her patchy hair and my heart skipped a beat. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love my hair. How would I manage if that were me? What will I do if it is my fate?

Today I drove past the Tour Nortel route. Another cancer related fundraising event. Coincidence or am I just hyper aware of all that is cancer related because of my lump? I think about what it might be like as a single woman and having to lose my breast. Who could love me without something that is a major part of my identity?

This being said I'm surrounded by so much love, positive energy and good wishes it's hard to believe that I could have anything but a good result from the biopsy; but that doesn't mean my mind will let escape thinking of the possibilities in the event that it is the other result.

So many women have fought this battle and survived. These are the most amazing women I've ever met. Would I have the strength to do what they have done? Fear is gripping me in flashes but for the most part I'm doing okay. How can I not be okay with this incredible support system? Like I said in my previous blog, I'm not ready to leave this world. I still have this need to make a difference and I haven't even begun to try.

So.... I'm saying it now. I refuse to let this stop me no matter what results I get on May 14th.