Zenmanship

I Won the Race!!!

2010-06-14T10:26:00.007-04:00

On Saturday I ran my first 5K race. It was an exciting, scary and humbling experience. Statistically I didn't do as well as I'd hoped: I completed the race in 41:07 (official chip time) and came 162/166 women in the race. I think the only people I beat were the walkers, to be honest but you know what? I still won that race!

The fact that I was out there at all is a miracle in and of itself. I was not competing with anyone else but myself and that crowd cheering me on at the end made me feel like I was coming in first. I could not have run this race one year ago and I'm so proud of how far I've come and that it's allowed me to challenge myself this way.

About a month ago I told my brother that I really didn't want to run races but then I decided to sign up to see if I can do it. Well I have my answer: I CAN!!! And that's how I won the race.

So I've signed up for two more races this season. I will be running a 5K on July 11 and will be running the 5K portion of a relay triathlon on September 19.

When my brother questioned why I decided to run a race after my previous declaration, I told him it was all about the free shirt!

Here's my new favourite Quote:

“The miracle isn’t that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.” --John “the Penguin” Bingham

My First 5k Race

2010-06-12T11:25:00.002-04:00

Oh my gosh it's been a long time since I've been inspired to write something. I can't explain it but after I had my surgery I think I was just so overwhelmed by the whole experience I couldn't actually lay my thoughts to paper. And this is not to say that it's been a bad experience whatsoever.... it's been an absolutely amazing experience that has completely altered my life forever. Perhaps that's it in a nutshell.

So why am I back? Well as I sit here I am less than 5 hours away from running in my first 5K race and feeling a little bit nervous! Since having my surgery I have had an urge to run but 75 lbs ago I would have crippled myself if I tried. There is no way my joints would have stood up to the task but around February at the 50 lb mark I was ready to give it a go.

I joined the Running Room Learn to Run Clinic and haven't looked back. Most weeks I run 3 times per week, anywhere from 25 to 40 minutes. I don't do this without taking walk breaks but everything I have read and heard indicates that these walk breaks are actually beneficial so I feel no guilt.

My objective today is to run the 5k in under 40 minutes since I have been averaging an 8 minute kilometer lately. If I can best that slightly I will have won the race with myself, and that's all that matters. I honestly don't care if I come in last - okay maybe I care a little - but I have no intention of trying to make the top 100 even! This is about me and nobody else. What a milestone in my journey though.

Now if only this nervous nausea would pass....

It's Official!

2009-07-30T10:24:00.002-04:00

I am having gastic bypass surgery on October 2, 2009 and I couldn't be more excited! After a life long struggle with my weight, exacerbated by a significant gain while working at McDonald's in my teenage years, I've decided that I need more help than Weight Watchers can give me.

As you can see by the log to the right, I didn't lose weight at a fast enough speed to keep me motivated. To be honest, even though I joined Weight Watchers I was still pursuing the WLS route. I figured if I could lose some weight with WW I'd be ahead of the game when and if I got approved for weight loss surgery. Unfortunately I lost my motivation to continue with WW long before I knew I was approved, so getting approved was fantastic news!

I attended a patient education program at The Weight Management Clinic in Ottawa to learn all about the procedure and what to expect before and after the surgery. I'll be honest - I did a lot of research before deciding to seriously pursue WLS so there was very little information that was new to me but it was nice to receive it all in an organized fashion. One thing that I learned that I didn't now before:

The potential rate of weight loss is astounding!
The average weight loss is as follows:
0-3 months after surgery: Up to 7 lbs per week! (holy crap!!)
3-6 months after surgery: Up to 3 1/2 lbs per week! (still impressive)
6-12 months after surgery: 1/2 to 1 lb per week.

Of course knowing this I'm finding myself looking in my closet at all my clothes and realizing that I'll miss them! I have a lot of clothes and love most of them. This will be a big change and then I remind myself that I'll be able to shop in the skinny stores! Something I haven't done since I was about 17 years old. And I think of how much fun I'll have shopping at the thrift stores to find clothes for the interim while I'm losing weight. Yes, I can take my better clothes to the consignment shop and trade the rest with the other girls going through weight loss as well. There is a great support group in Ottawa and they exchange clothing periodically.

I keep telling everyone that I'll be wearing a bikini this time next year! I'm so, so excited about this! I am prepared to make the changes and suffer the consequences of poor eating post surgery to achieve this goal. I want to take up running too.

And as much as I have had a relatively healthy body image and pretty good self esteem (great clothes and hair help!! lol) I am SO looking forward to not having to refer to myself as a BBW on the dating websites! The day I get to choose "Average" or "A few extra pounds" to describe my body type I think I may cry! And if I get my act in gear, dare I dream about being "Athletic"???

Wow! So much more to come as I embark on this journey!!

What Do People Mean in their Online Dating Profiles

2009-06-03T13:10:00.003-04:00

To help me understand better what guys mean when they say certain things in their profiles I've offered up the following multiple choice survey in my own online profile:

1) "I'm looking for a girl who takes care of herself." This means she
a. Is not fat
b. Bathes every day
c. Eats well
d. Exercises
e. Dresses well

2) "I'm looking for a girl who wants to have fun." You want a girl who
a. Wants to boink at every opportunity and doesn't need to go on dates
b. Likes to party
c. Likes sports
d. Enjoys hanging out with you and your buddies

3) "I'm attracted to all types of girls." So you like
a. All girls
b. All girls who aren't fat
c. All who are blonde
d. All girls with big knockers
e. All girls who like to boink all the time and don't need to go out on dates

4) You have an ad in the Dating section but you're married, so you mean
a. I'm too chicken to put an ad in the Intimate section
b. I cast a wide net
c. I think women in the Dating section secretly want to have an affair with a married man

5) You have an ad in all three sections (Intimate, Dating, Relationship). Does this mean
a. Your true objective is Intimate all the way
b. You'll settle for some no strings intimacy while looking for a keeper in the other sections
c. You'll take what you can get

6) "I lead a healthy lifestyle." So,
a. I work out regularly
b. I eat healthy
c. I am mentally healthy and am kind to others
d. I take vitamins
e. I occasionally stroll into the health food store

7) "I'm open, honest and caring." You mean
a. I'm a good person and will be upfront and honest if theres no click
b. I'm open, honest and caring only if I like her
c. I'm open, honest and caring when I feel like it

8) "I have a great sense of humour." You mean
a. I'll laugh at all your jokes but its your job to carry the conversation
b. I'll make you laugh till you pee
c. My mom thinks I'm funny so you will too

So....what do you think? lol

Struggling...

2009-05-11T08:24:00.002-04:00

Ever since I went away on a girls' weekend just about 10 days ago I've been struggling with food and hunger. The girls' weekend was difficult to stay on program so I allowed myself to enjoy the weekend without guilt and intended to get back on the program as soon as I got back. I had no problem getting back on program but when I stepped on the scale last Wednesday, three days of "enjoyment" manifested itself in the form of a 3.5 lb weight gain. SAY WHAT???? For three days of relaxed eating?

In all fairness I did drink several cocktails and indulge in some potato chips and almonds, but to have gained 3.5 lbs in 3 days I should have been unable to walk most of the time from consuming so much food. Disappointing to say the least but after weigh in I noticed that my ankles and hands were uncomfortable and looked to see that my ankles were quite puffy. Now 3.5lbs of water weight I could believe.

I stayed on program until Friday when once again I was presented with an opportunity to go out and be crazy. Okay, so the McDonald's drive through for lunch wasn't part of that opportunity - that was the first time I'd given into a craving since I started 8 weeks ago, but I digress. It was an overnight trip so Saturday was a challenge to eat lightly but not starve, but yesterday I got back on plan and this morning I stepped on the scale. No budging yet. I will have to be very diligent this week and get myself back into that "no bullshit" frame of mind that got me to the 8.5 lb mark by week 7, but I'm still reeling from a 3.5lb gain in 3 days! This is a toughie....

Drum Roll Please.....

2009-05-01T00:05:00.005-04:00

I have made a decision! Let's back track just a little....

On Sunday my good friend Nancy and I hit the road to Utica NY as I had a 9 am appointment to meet with Dr. Graber for a consult on the bariatric surgery. Nancy was permitted to join me as I met with the nurses and the doctor in three separate rooms.

We met with the first nurse who reviewed my history against the questionnaire I had filled out online some time back. She confirmed that what was true back then still holds true today. She took my blood pressure, weighed me and measured my height.

Next we met with the nurse who does the patient education and she explained the mechanics of the surgery, the risks and the recovery process. She was patient, kind and understanding and answered all our questions honestly and thoroughly.

The third stop was with Dr. Graber himself who also explained the procedure, compared it with other surgical options and explained why he preferred the Roux-en-Y which he performs exclusively. Of course it's kind of like a VW salesman explaining why VW's are better than Honda, but all bias' aside both Nancy and I felt a lot less freaked out by the surgery and definitely had a positive feeling that it could be the tool I've been looking for to help me reach my life long dream.

Dr. Graber was jovial and friendly, and Nancy and I both liked him a lot. In fact we liked everyone at the clinic. All told they spent about two hours with us and did not pressure me into anything. Dr. Graber said I could change my mind right up until the mask goes on face.

On the way out of the clinic we ran into a woman who was ECSTATIC, to say the least. I discreetly leaned over and asked her if she'd had the surgery to which she emphatically responded, "Yes!!. It was the best thing I ever did. It was EASY!" She even lifted her shirt and showed my her key hole scars from the laparoscopic procedure. I noticed she had a French accent and asked if she was from Quebec but she reponded that she was from Ottawa. I asked her if she would be interested in meeting me for coffee so I could discuss her experience and she happily gave me her phone numbers.

Now the decision.... but I suspect you may already have a sense of where this is going.....

Nancy and I chatted on the way home about the appointment and about the surgery itself. We talked about risks, eating modifications, behaviour modifications, and of course we talked about the probability of me finally being slim. Wow! A weight loss rate of 5-6 lbs per week is a pretty intoxicating concept! I could be in a bikini for my next winter vacation.

But I digress....

After much consideration I decided that I would ask the Ottawa clinic to pursue the surgical option for me in NY. I called them Tuesday morning to set the ball in motion. They will complete the forms to obtain approval from OHIP, and I must take 4 weekly classes to prepare for the surgery. My classes will start on June 16 and finish July 7. The clinic advised that OHIP would not likely approve the surgery if I didn't commit to attending the classes so based on this schedule I don't forsee a surgical date before mid to late July.

In the meanwhile I have chosen to continue with my Weight Watchers program because one of two things will happen:

My success will be so great that when the surgical date is offered I will feel that I won't need it and decline; or
WW is teaching me some very good habits, not the least of which is portion control, which I will need to aware of if I choose to proceed with the surgery.

It's a win/win situation. I've not eliminated any options at this time and if I find down the line that I'm just not winning at Weight Watchers, I still have the surgical option. If I made the decision today then it may be a long process to get it back should I decide to do so.

So that's my decision.... in a nutshell, the decision is deferred until I get a surgical date. Sneaky eh? lol

Decisons, Decisions

2009-04-25T11:12:00.000-04:00

Before I joined Weight Watchers 6 1/2 weeks ago I had asked my doctor to refer me for weight loss surgery. I did a lot of soul searching and felt that with having been overweight my whole life and failing at my weight loss attempts so many times, surgery was my only option if I really wanted to slim down.

Well, my number has come up and the Weight Management Clinic is ready to send me to a surgeon. Now I'm rethinking the whole thing and am in a major mental pickle. I am happy with the success and commitment to my journey that I'm experiencing with Weight Watchers but at the same time I know my history. I know how I feel today but what about a month from now? Will I still have the same drive and commitment as I do today? I think I will but I've been down this road so many times before I really can't predict where my mindset will be.

So, if I decline the surgery now on the optimistic prediction that I will have the drive and motivation I need to reach my 80 lb weight loss goal, what if I find that I lose that drive and want to revisit the surgery? Will it even be an option? Will the waiting list be so long that I've lost my opportunity to realize my dream of finally being slim?

There are three different techniques available and the surgeon to whom I'm being referred only does one - Roux en Y, my least favoured option - but it's the one with the highest success rate. I am heading down to the US tomorrow to meet with him to discuss the surgery. I'll be honest - it's drastic and your life changes drastically afterwards with regards to what you can and cannot eat. It doesn't become a choice anymore - your body will reject food that you aren't supposed to eat. Very "unprettily", I might add. And there's no guarantee of success - look at Carnie Wilson for example. She's gained a lot back.

I like having a choice, however the secret to achieving success the old fashioned way is to exercise choice combined with a huge helping of self control. All of that is within my control. Do I have what it takes? For 6 1/2 weeks I haven't faltered (well not badly if you read the last blog), and I am in total control. I love the choices I have and enjoy a little bit of chocolate or a nice hearty steak now and then. These may not be options after the surgery....

I prefer one of the two other procedures - Verticle Sleeve Gastrectomy (VSG) and Duodenal Switch (DS) - which are less drastic but have lower success rates and I'm waiting to hear if OHIP even covers them. I've received conflicting information about it. My other challenge is that the clinic in Ottawa ONLY seems to refer to the US doctor for the RnY procedure so if I want them to send me for the other procedure options in Montreal, I may have a battle on my hands.

So you see I am very conflicted. I know that the surgery is a success if the lifestyle is changed as well. I'm well on my way to the lifestyle change. Surgery would make me lose faster. But would I take it for granted and try to eat food that I shouldn't eat? Do I want to be on vitamin supplements for the rest of life? Can I handle "dumping syndrome"? Can I be successful in my weight loss journey without the help of surgery? AAARRRRGGGH!!!

Tough Week

2009-04-20T17:55:00.000-04:00

I've been hard pressed to find something fun and inspirational to say this week, mainly because it's hard to feel motivated about my weight loss journey when the scale stayed the same last week. It's a very tough pill to swallow because there were times in the past when I dieted and lost weight consistently at a rate of about 2 lbs per week. So far I am averaging 1 lb per week and am resenting two things: 1) that I did not commit to losing weight when I was younger and it came off a whole lot easier with a whole lot less effort, and 2) being in my forties.

I had the BEST time at my fortieth birthday. I embraced turning 40 like it was the beginning of the rest of my life. And it was a blast for about two years, but since then things are starting to fall apart. My near vision is gone and I now wear progressive lenses where I didn't need glasses at all, body parts ache for no apparent reason, I am developing sebaceous cysts on my face, I have eczema on my eyelids, and crap, I might as well say it: "I'm still single too".

Okay so I'll admit it - I'm feeling sorry for myself. So what am I going to do about it. Hmmm... good question. There's no game plan but I did break down and eat a few more things on Saturday than I should have, but all cheats were accounted for and checked off the flex points. Yesterday I got myself busy and productive again, and by the time I get to my Weight Watchers weigh in on Wednesday I'll have worked out 3 times plus done some yard work. I guess that's not too bad eh?

So although I haven't made a conscious decision to fall off or get back on the wagon, I believe that the healthy eating habits I've formed to date have easily guided my out of my Saturday Food Funk back to my "new normal". I really believe that I can do this, but if I have too many weeks like last week I may also have a few more food funks to deal with as well.

Easter Dinner

2009-04-12T15:35:00.000-04:00

This year I decided to go non-traditional with our Easter Dinner. Normally I do the full gluttonous spread including turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, maple glazed sweet potatoes, and whatever vegetable I feel like cooking. As you can see, the green stuff was not high on my menu priority list in the past, but since I am now following the Weight Watchers plan with successful results, I was challenged to come up with something equally tasty but less food coma-inducing.

I researched chicken and turkey recipes and found one that had a pineapple and orange juice glaze. That flavour combination appealed and so our Easter menu was born.

Our first course was a succulent salad of spring greens, red pepper, green onions, blackberries and goat cheese, with a low fat raspberry balsamic vinaigrette.

For our main course we had a choice of baked chicken breast or salmon with a pineapple orange teryaki glaze, served with pineapple salsa, roasted cauliflower and sweet potato wedges.

There was no dessert, but that's okay. This was lunch. I will probably enjoy a small treat with a glass of milk after dinner tonight. I also have two cantaloupes ripening in the fruit bowl - I can't wait for them to be ready. YUM!

I hope that everyone is enjoying a wonderful Easter or Passover with their loved ones. Mine was wonderful on two counts - quality time spent with my loved ones and a meal that was both delicious, satisfying and healthy. What more could I ask for?

Showdown at Nachoville!

2009-04-10T10:12:00.000-04:00

In my first four weeks of following Weight Watchers I have been in absolute control putting nothing in my mouth that wasn't preplanned and accounted for. Last night that changed. I was meeting a couple of girlfriends at a local pub for drinks around 8 pm. I intended to have 2 glasses of wine. Preplanning at its finest! We arrived and ordered our first round while we waited for the third to arrive. When #3 arrived we got a table and started catching up. We'd all eaten but felt obligated to order a snack or something (women's guilt - not fair really) so we all poured over the menus and I thought a bruschetta might be my best choice but never said anything out loud since I thought we were all ordering something. In the end one of the girls ordered the nachos and suggested we share and order more later if we want. It seemed like a good solution since I was pretty sure I could resist them.

The plate arrived and lo and behold these were not your ordinary nacho chips. These were nachos made with my red light food, home made potato chips. Oh! Not good. I had a hard time focussing on the conversation for a while because I was also having a conversation with the chips. It sat there taunting me over and over. And I kept thinking, "No, I'm not hungry." "Damn you look good." "I wonder if I can stop at just one?" "Shut up!" "Oh you look sooooo good!" "Hmmmm..." "I wonder..." "Fine".

And then it happened. I ate a small, plain chip with no cheese. It was as good as I'd imagined. Like a crack addict having a hit after trying to detox for week. I waited a while but still those chips were calling me. So again I negotiated with myself. "I weighed in yesterday so I have a week to do the right thing and not let a few nachos put me on the wrong path." "If I don't have more I won't be able to stop thinking about them." "GAWD I wish someone would call the server and ask her to take them away."

I confess, I had a few more. A few more plain ones and a couple with a bit of cheese and tomato. I enjoyed every last one of them and am proud to say that I ate less than 8 or so. Most of them were without the topping and I did succeed in stopping myself while there was still a large amount left on the plate, so I believe in my heart of hearts, that I won the "Showdown at Nachoville"!!! In my past life I could have eaten the entire plateful and last night I had about 1/10 of the serving.

Yeah, I'm proud!!

Oh yeah, and I lost another 1.5 lbs at weigh in on Wednesday. Yay!!

Weigh In - Week 3

2009-04-04T10:08:00.000-04:00

Well after a disappointing and discouraging weigh in on the second week the scale was kinder to me on my third weigh in. I lost two pounds so now I'm down a total of 3 1/2 lbs in three weeks.

No complaints but it sure is a far cry from my youth when I would lose 5 lbs in one week! It's a tough battle to lose the weight but staying on the program is quite easy, I'm finding. As long as I graze throughout the day I never feel hungry or crave something bad just to satisfy my hunger. I think that this will be my key to success, along with the planning.

Yesterday was my first "solo" day. I didn't really plan my day but I knew what I was having for breakfast and snack, and knew that I was going out for lunch and for dinner. I had a reasonable idea of the points I'd be consuming at dinner but I winged it at lunch as I didn't actually have a plan and when I did know where I was going I didn't have any time to research my options ahead of time.

In the end we went for Vietnamese and I had the vermecelli bowl which is one of my favourites and I would choose this over McDonald's any day. For dinner that night I had Thai - I purposely chose dishes that were in my Weight Watcher's Dining Out Companion so that it would be easy. And honestly, it was fantastic! Not only the food, but spending 3 hours with girlfriends talking about everything from books we've read, to challenges with having a toddler, to Weight Watchers and healthy eating. It really was a great night all around.

Three of the six of us are following Weight Watchers at the moment and one of us has hit a bit of a wall with her weight loss. She found this website for The Wendie Plan that talks about mixing up the number of points you have each day, which in essence confuses your body not to expect a certain number of calories every day. Since starting it she lost 5 lbs almost immediately. Here is the link to the website. I think I may try this approach if I find that I stall in my efforts as well.

Menu Planning

2009-03-29T13:13:00.000-04:00

The new routine in my house is to plan the dinners for the week. You see my dad has taken over the duties of Head Chef during the week since he is retired and I am working full time, plus go to the gym or aquafit most days after work. This takes a load off me, and ensures that the food is ready when I get home so that I don't eat everything in sight.

Our routine includes looking through my favourite health conscious recipe books and magazines for recipes that appeal to both of us and are simple enough for Dad to make. Since there's only two of us and we have no problem eating left overs, we choose 3 recipes that will make from 4-6 servings. Any more than that and we'll be eating the same thing for weeks! As we choose the recipes we discuss what ingredients we already have and what we need, and so the shopping list formed as well.

The next step is for me to go to the computer and write the plan into a spreadsheet. I first list all the recipes on the menu for the week, the book or magazine they are in, page number, servings and number of points per serving.

I then assign a recipe to the day of the week and decide what sides to have with it. Sometimes it's as simple as salad or baked potato and veggies, depending on the recipe. I have a formula that shows me the total points for the planned meal, and then I print. This list gets placed on the fridge.

Since the remainder of my meals are planned each night as I pack my "feed bag" for the next day, this process allows me to know exactly what I'm eating for dinner on any given day so that I can plan accordingly and not exceed my points allowance.

So you must be wondering what I'm having for dinner this week.... get your drool bibs!

Recipe	Recipe Book/magazine	Points Per Serving
Polynesian Stir Fry	Healthy Cooking (April/May 2009)	6
Simply Orange Chicken	Looney Spoons	5
Chicken and Shrimp Jambalaya	Anne Lindsay's Light Kitchen	9

Weigh In Week 2

2009-03-25T22:55:00.001-04:00

For many reasons today has been an extremely frustrating day. Work was frustrating but I was able to leave it behind when I hopped in my car at 5:30 and headed home for a bit before my weigh-in at Weight Watchers. I was kind of excited about tonight because it has been a very good week. I've planned and journalled all my food, made lunches every day, made healthy choices when eating out, worked out three times and weighed myself to see how I was doing. By all accounts I had lost at least another pound this week but when I stepped on the scale I was absolutely deflated when I found out that I gained a pound.

There was nothing to beat myself up about because there was no rhyme or reason as to why and that's what is so frustrating for me. I cannot explain why I gained a pound but I have to believe that it was an anomoly and all will be right with the universe next week. But I don't know. And that's what is so discouraging. I will have to face many people and confess that my weight went up, not down as I predicted, and I have to find the strength to believe that if I continue I will succeed. So although I got home late tonight and had pretty much decided I wasn't going to make my lunch, I found the strength to go back downstairs and plan my day. I planned my food and packed my "feed bag". I guess I'll give it another week. What have I got to lose?

Weigh In Day

2009-03-18T22:25:00.001-04:00

I am happy to report a 2.5 lb loss on my first week of Weight Watchers. I am very happy with that! Not only did I lose 2.5 lbs but my week was filled with healthy food choices, everything in moderation, and some opportunities to learn.

Lesson #1: Always Read the Recipe Twice

After pouring over a few recipes last week to find one that didn't require a trip to the grocery store, I picked one out that my dad could make and I wrote down the substitutions (eg: spinach for artichokes ) for him so that he wouldn't have to try to figure it out himself. I was looking forward to that Greek pasta dish all day!

When I got home from the gym I was famished but dinner was ready and waiting for me. I remembered that it said it made two servings so I happily scooped up half the pot into my bowl and was thrilled to see the big pile of food I was entitled to. Uh... NOT!

After I finished the big honking bowl I had a belly ache and thought that I had to have been wrong about the number of servings so I rechecked the recipe. SIX SERVINGS!!! Whoops! I just ate three!! I was honest and recorded all the extra points against my flex points for the week. There went my "drinking money"!!

Lesson #2: No Matter How Hungry I am, Two Cups of Pasta is Too Much

On Sunday I spent a good chunk of the day cooking food ahead for the week as I knew I'd be really busy, and my chief chef (aka DAD) was away for the week. One of the things I made ahead was a pot of a very low cal tuna pasta sauce and was looking forward to having a favourite pasta dinner. After planning my points for the day I toddled off to work with my lunch bag full of healthy, yummy food, knowing that I had planned well enough to save enough points to have two cups of cooked pasta with my sauce.

After I got home from the gym I cooked up the pasta and sat down with my big bowl of comfort food that was still in the day's plan. I enjoyed every morsel but about an hour later the overfull bellyache kicked in again. So now I know.... two cups of pasta is too much.

Lesson #3: If I Think I'm Hungry, Wash the Kitchen Floor

This one is simple. By the time you've washed and waited for it to dry, (you're "locked out"while it's wet) you may not be hungry anymore. If you are, it's probably real hunger.

And the added benefit is that you now have a clean kitchen floor!

Where does the time go?

2009-03-17T22:30:00.002-04:00

Oh boy I'm tired! I am nearing the end of my first week on Weight Watchers, combined with new, inspired buddy approach to regular exercise. In addition to working a 37.5 hour week I have gone to the gym 3 times, done an aquafit class, cleaned my house, fixed my stove, organized my freezer, packed lunch every day, cooked a pot of soup, a pot of pasta sauce, cut up veggies, made dip and hummus, and prepared a great "Sunday Dinner" barbeque. Additionally everything I have consumed has been recorded in my journal. I've either planned my day in advance or kept track as I've consumed, but each morsel has been recorded for posterity, and hopefully resulting in less "posteriority"!!

My friend Laura has been a great inspiration and motivator to keep me going but after getting home from aquafit tonight and having to feed myself, do the dishes, pack my lunch, put out the garbage, clean the litter boxes, prepare the coffee for the morning and wash my bathing suit, my night is shot! I'm exhausted!

I hope this gets easier! I don't know how she does it because I don't even have kids and I'm wiped. Laura has three kids and a wonderful husband! OY!! I'm pooped!

In the beginning...

2009-03-10T22:32:00.000-04:00

Today I formed the first building block of my support network: Gym buddies. Oh I've been to the gym many times before. Sometimes regularly, but most often sporadically, so what makes today different? I had two gym "dates".

On the advice of my dear friend Laura I am forming a support network to help keep me motivated. I'm a pleaser so if I know people are counting on me, I'll be there. My next "date" is for Saturday, after which I plan to have a regular date three nights a week with my friend Steve. Mondays, Thursdays (3 out of 4 in a month) and Saturdays. Wish me luck!

My New Mantra

2009-03-09T22:08:00.000-04:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I have fought a losing battle with my weight my whole life. Recently I've begun the arduous task of facing my challenges with the objective of achieving some long sought-after goals. At this point I am still in the process of choosing my vehicles for this journey but on the Sparkpeople website today I came across the following quote:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one that I can, and the wisdom to know that it's me."

Truer words were never spoken. Stay tuned. The journey is beginning.

Online Dating Scammer

2008-09-01T19:48:00.000-04:00

Originally posted on August 31:

Well folks it has happened!! I've heard about these dating scammers but have been fortunate enough to not encounter any of them in all my years of online dating. That is, until about 3 weeks ago!

This really nice guy, 9 years younger than I am contacted me. Now if I was not previously contacted by younger men I might have been suspicious but I do receive a lot of emails from younger guys. Shawn was a sweetheart and seemed totally smitten with me. He certainly didn't appear to be internet-savvy since his msn account showed his first and last name. He took his time charming me and had the right balance of sweet, syrupy, schmaltz and sassiness. He seemed to have a good sense of humour and we enjoyed a lot of playful banter, but never anything intimate. I told him that I reserve those conversations for someone I've met and am officially dating. He totally understood.

We exchanged photos and he had two professional looking photos and one casual photo in his kitchen. I asked about the professional shots and he said his ex was a photographer.

We talked about all kinds of things, including the fact that he owns his own businss and was working hard so he could retire early. I offered that while I made a good salary I tended to live in the moment more so than he. I don't recall the context of the conversation but there were no alarms when the discussion of credit cards came up. I mentioned how when I travelled for work that I had an Aeroplan Amex to maximize the miles, but downgraded to a no-fee card when I stopped travelling. I also mentioned that I had my mastercard account since I was 18. (In hindsight I told him a lot with that statement.) He wondered if it was a BMO account and I recall thinking that it was an odd thing to ask and I didn't answer.

Things progressed and he asked for my phone number. I gave him my cell and when he asked for my home number I said that I would give it to him later - when the time is right. I asked for his number and got a cell, but he claimed to have no land line.

We talked on the phone a few times and one time I phoned him he didn't answer. It rolled to voicemail and what I found odd was that there was no personalized message on it. For a guy who owns a business and has no land line I thought that to be strange.

Well around Wednesday of the second week of our contact he announced that he had to go to Shanghai to meet a supplier and ensure that they could meet the supply commitment as he had secured a contract with a major retailer. He left early Saturday morning and as expected I didn't hear from him until later Sunday evening, which was Monday, Shanghai time. 12hr time difference.

Conveniently he forgot his digital camera so was unable to send me pictures and was very vague about what he was doing every day. My spider senses were tingling now and I noticed that the times he was online didn't jive well with a 12 hr time difference and reasonable sleep/work hours. He'd come online at 5 am his time, and again at 12:30 am - 3:00 am, and that was it. Very rarely did I get a message in between but occasionally I'd get an email around 11:00 am his time. This was the pattern for about 4 days and then on Thursday he came online and started complaining about BMO.

Apparently he had decided to move all of his business funds (and made a point of telling me he had $60k in the account) to a bank in Shanghai so he wouldn't have to carry a lot of cash. He said that the bank screwed up and his money was on hold for 30 days and he might get stuck in Shanghai until it was resolved and the deal might fall through. Alarm bells rang immediately. I encouraged him to talk to the bank since it was their screw up and he said he'd figure something out. After we disconnected I hit Google in the fast lane. I searched out all the online dating scams and found a lot of similarity and common indicators, however his particular scenario was unique. There was enough commonality, however for me to be 99% certain that I had a scammer on my hands.

On Friday he came online, right on schedule. I asked what he was going to do about the money situation. He said to me, "Let me ask you this. Can I even trust you with my money?" I said, "No. You shouldn't trust strangers. I'm a stranger." and he let it drop. We chit chatted about other things and I steered the conversation back to the money. I asked why he would ask if he could trust me with his money and he decided that since I asked, he'd tell me his plan.

He said he had a client who wanted to pay him but since he was in Shanghai he couldn't take care of it so he was thinking I could do it on his behalf. He wanted me to deposit it into my credit card and when it cleared, take it out and send it to him. He hadn't figured out yet in what form and how I'd send it to him but said he'd figure it out when we get there.

After playing dumb for a while and getting him to reveal exactly what he wanted me to do, and him countering all my logical arguments against the plan, I finally told him that it sounded like money laundering, and that he was a scammer with no interest in dating me. He laughed it off and said to not worry about it, he understands my concern and he will prove to me when we meet that he's good for it. I'm not sure what he meant but I found it odd that he didn't get the least bit upset that I accused him of fraud and illegal activity. He immediately changed the subject and after a few short minutes said that he had to get some sleep.

That was Friday around 1pm and I have not had an email or attempted IM from him since, which goes against the established pattern. I really hope he goes away now. Thank God my Spider Senses served me well again, because despite finally allowing my walls to crumble, I always had one foot on the ground. He definitely fell into the "too good to be true" category and while I got into it, I took it with a grain of salt.

The one thing I've learned since I posted this experience is that this wasn't a case of money laundering but rather an attempt to get my credit card information under the guise of depositing money. Once he had my credit card info he would have been long gone! Bank on it!

Great Resources for Online Dating Scam Detection

2008-09-01T09:08:00.001-04:00

Being educated is the best way to protect yourself. Below are some warning signs you should be on the lookout for, followed by some websites to check out:

Now remember, some of these on their own are perfectly innocent and normal, however in the context of other suspicious behaviour keep an eye out!! Don't give out any personal information until you have met the person LIVE and start to form a real relationship. Of course NEVER give out financial information! Never, ever, ever!!! If someone needs your help, make the purchase on their behalf, but never give anyone access to your accounts. A real friend would never ask!

Quickly want to move from the online site to an IM program
No picture posted on their ad on the dating site - since it's not their photo the more people who see it, the greater the chance of being outed!
Professional looking photos, almost none in a natural/casual setting
Early discussion about finances and/or credit cards that seem in context
"Too good to be true" - looks, personality, level of interest or feelings
Asking a lot about you but not offering a lot about them
Odd times that they come online and don't tend to stay on long (someone who's interested could spend hours chatting)
May provide a phone number but doesn't answer when you call and voicemail doesn't identify the person
Asks what part of town you live in
Asks your last name
Sob story of some sort to gain your sympathy
Poor English/typing skills
They have a way of finding your weakness/needs/interests, and playing on them. Notice how the second guy said he had just got back from golf. The first interest listed in my profile is golf! Hmmmm

http://www.bustathief.com/dating-scam-internet-dating-fraud/
http://online-dating.suite101.com/article.cfm/internet_dating_scams
http://www.consumerdirect.gov.uk/watch_out/scams/online-dating/
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8704213/
http://www.nzherald.co.nz/section/1/story.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10529343&ref=rss
http://www.crime-research.org/news/29.03.2005/1084/

This site is a database of photos and details of the scammer: http://www.stop-scammers.com/

I've Become A Scammer Magnet!!!

2008-09-01T00:17:00.001-04:00

Tonight I was online and a guy sends me a message with a photo attached. Right away I'm suspicious because the guy is WAY too good looking and the photo looks like something from Hollywood. I questioned the guy on the photo and he said he used to some modelling. What came next was interesting...read the exchange:

The first email was his reply to my first reply. This is the picture he attached

Following is the chain of emails that ensued. Note how he tries to play on potentially low self esteem:

Me: Tell me about where your photo was taken. It looks interesting... like an Italian movie star!

Him: well i am indian.

Me: That's fine. I am just curious about the photo. It's not your typical "guy on a motorcycle" or "guy flipping burgers" kind of photo that I'm used to seeing online. It looks like there's an interesting story there. :-)

Him: i tried to do modelling but too much competition.i got these pics taken a yr back.if u want other pics of me without clothes let me know

Me: No thanks.

Him: u thought i was serious

Me: I guess I'm having a hard time reading you! lol

Him: why r u trying to read me.and i am a good poker player so i dont think u can.just ask me and i will tell u.i know what u r thinking,why is this good looking guy even sending messages to me.is this his real pic or he got it from the internet. right. i can tell u even more things that u will not believe

Me: Well yep, you've pretty much nailed it right there. What else can you tell me that you don't think I'll believe?

Him: i feel u have inferiority complex about yourself.i dont know why.u have a beautiful face and u r a intelligent women.i think u been through a lot of friendships with men and never could hold on to someone u liked or loved................ u dont trust guys...so whenever someone approaches u,u want to find out why.maybe he will use me and go away.but let me tell u that everybody is not same

Me: That's not it at all. I know all kinds of people have all different tastes in what they find attractive, however I recently spend some time chatting to someone who turned out to be a scammer. Right now I don't trust anyone for that reason. My trust needs to be earned - I no longer give it freely and my self esteem is quite solid.

After this he stopped corresponding. Again, trusting my spider senses I Googled Bollywood actors and on my second hit I found the photo of the actor Harman Baweja. Check the link: http://www.bollywoodworld.ca/bwgallery/displayimage-lastup-7-6.html

The Wait is Over/The Weight is Over

2008-05-14T20:08:00.000-04:00

My tests came back today. Negative for breast cancer. PHEW! I no longer have to wait, and the weight on my shoulders has been lifted. Thank you all for your amazing support while I waited for my news. I really am the luckiest person in the world.

I'm Touched

2008-05-07T19:57:00.000-04:00

First of all, thank you so much Laura for your lovely post about my left boob. For the record, you too have become very special to me as well and your blogger friends are pretty amazing. To receive such good vibes from people who don't know me is very moving. No matter what the outcome I'll be touched by this experience forever.

Yesterday I had the biopsy. I was very nervous that it would hurt. Ironic for someone who managed quite well through two root canals within three months last year. But it didn't hurt and I only have minor aching today. Nothing even worthy of a tylenol.

The radiologist informed me that it could take as long as two weeks to get the results. So I wait. I may not get the results on May 14th as I had hoped. I wait.

Now here is the kicker. The whole reason I went in for the mammogram to begin with was because I had some itchiness that the doctor wanted checked. She asked for a biopsy on what looks like some scar tissue from all the scratching, but it seems this request got derailed by the discovery of the lump. Yesterday as I was laying on the table waiting for the procedure to begin, the ultrasound technologist noticed the request on my file and told me she'd have to request another appointment for me because that requires a surgeon, not the radiologist who was doing the biopsy on the lump. Yes, it's true. I have to go for another biopsy. And so I wait.

To pass the time I'm wrapped up in work - so busy my head is spinning - and at home the nesting instinct has kicked back in and I'm doing my best impression of an Italian mother. Who makes 6 dozen meatballs and a big pot of spaghetti sauce on a weeknight? Ummm... yeah. That would be me.

I've stocked up on beading supplies to keep me busy over the next little while. I find when I'm creative I don't think about anything. My next creation is going to be bright and cheery and full of colour. When I wear the bracelet I will bring to reality the expression "wearing my heart on my sleeve" because that is the outlook I strive to maintain every day and I will do my best to not let this boob experience change that. My wonderful friends and family, and even people who don't know me will see to it that I don't stumble. I'm the luckiest person in the world. There's not much more I could want in my life, and so I wait with a big smile on my face, love in my heart and a positive outlook thanks to you all.

Cheers!

T Minus 38 hrs, 12 minutes

2008-05-04T22:17:00.000-04:00

It's 10:18 pm on Sunday night. My biopsy is scheduled for 12:30 on Tuesday afternoon. To say I'm nervous is an understatement. The first cause of my nervousness has to do with the discomfort or even pain I may experience on Tuesday. The second is the "elephant in the room" - the results. Although I don't know anything yet and the odds are I have nothing to worry about, I find I am noticing everything that is cancer related and thinking about what my experience will be.

Last night I saw a lady who looked like she must be going through chemotherapy. I saw her patchy hair and my heart skipped a beat. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love my hair. How would I manage if that were me? What will I do if it is my fate?

Today I drove past the Tour Nortel route. Another cancer related fundraising event. Coincidence or am I just hyper aware of all that is cancer related because of my lump? I think about what it might be like as a single woman and having to lose my breast. Who could love me without something that is a major part of my identity?

This being said I'm surrounded by so much love, positive energy and good wishes it's hard to believe that I could have anything but a good result from the biopsy; but that doesn't mean my mind will let escape thinking of the possibilities in the event that it is the other result.

So many women have fought this battle and survived. These are the most amazing women I've ever met. Would I have the strength to do what they have done? Fear is gripping me in flashes but for the most part I'm doing okay. How can I not be okay with this incredible support system? Like I said in my previous blog, I'm not ready to leave this world. I still have this need to make a difference and I haven't even begun to try.

So.... I'm saying it now. I refuse to let this stop me no matter what results I get on May 14th.

My Left Boob

2008-04-13T10:05:00.000-04:00

I recently had a mammogram. Lots of women have mammograms. I'm at that age where it's time to monitor things more closely so I never thought much of it. That is until the hospital phoned to ask me to go back for another AND an ultrasound. "It could just be blurry films" she said when asked if they saw something. So this is what I assumed until the letter came from the hospital and it clearly stated "LEFT SIDE". Blurry films my ass. They saw something and now I'm not supposed to worry. Thankfully work has been exceptionally busy and I was only plagued with a wandering mind here and there, but for the most part I wasn't terribly concerned. The more women I spoke with, the more I learned that this happens quite frequently.

So on Friday I had another mammogram, however it was different this time. She only wanted to see my left boob. She only wanted to xray about a 2" square patch on my left boob. After she got the films she confirmed that yes, indeed I will need to have the ultrasound. CRAP. Don't worry? hmmmmm

I went to the ultrasound and again she only wanted a specific location on my left boob. As she was passing the paddle over my left boob I could see the monitor. I could see her marking and taking pictures of what appeared to be a very sizable dark spot in my left boob. Hmmmmm. Hard not to worry now. I CAN SEE IT. IT LOOKS HUGE! The technician finished and toddled off to show the radiologist to review the pictures.

When she returned she announced that indeed the radiologist will be coming in to speak with me, but not to panic. SAY WHAT? NOT PANIC? I will admit that she was a very sweet lady and knew that no matter what she said I was still going to worry, but she was very good at trying to explain why I shouldn't panic.

Dr. Radiologist then arrived to tell me that all of the indicators of this lump in my left boob are consistent with a benign fibrous mass/deposit, except one. SAY WHAT? He advised that while he was almost certain that this is not a lump to be concerned about, he was recommending a biopsy of the lump in my left boob just to be certain. In his words, "We can do 100 biopsies to find 20 bad ones, which means there are 80 good ones." The other positive factor is that my lymph nodes are showing clear but while these odds are quite favourable, it's so hard to keep my mind in the 80's and not the 20's.

You see 8 years ago my mother found a lump. Within 6 months she was dead from an extremely aggressive form of breast cancer that went into her brain. My mother was over 60, was a heavy smoker and on hormone therapy. All of the conditions under which my mother's cancer occurred do not put me at higher risk according to all the studies, but until I know, how do I not worry? How do I not remember watching my mother die from this evil disease? How do I not fret about reminding my father and my brother about the most devastating experience of their lives?

Thank GOD for my wonderful friends and family who remind me that women go through this all the time and it turns out to be nothing. But how can I not think about those women who go through this and it turns out to be something. There are no guarantees.

I know I can't change life's great plan but damn I'm not ready to face my mortality yet. I've so much left to do with my life. I still need to make a difference.

There you have it. I have a lump in my left boob.....

Feeling the Sunshine

2008-03-08T17:08:00.000-05:00

Well I'm happy to report that the blues have finally lifted. That heaviness that plagued me since October started to lift a few weeks ago. What caused the shift? I don't really know but I made a change that needed to be made. Sometimes we hold onto things because they are too hard to let go, even if we know it's better for us. I finally let go. It was difficult and it hurt a lot, but I knew it was my only choice because whether I admitted it to myself or not, it was contributing to my mood.

Funny though, as hard as it was to let go, the spring in my step immediately returned and I felt liberated. I felt like I could finally move forward and looking back now of course I realized what my roadblock was. It's too bad. It really is, but things have to be in balance in order to achieve synergy and move forward. As much as they appeared to be synergetic, they weren't and now I see it much more clearly.

So, yes this was pretty vague. Details aren't necessary. The bottom line is that I feel like my old self again, although really I could be even happier if the damned snow would stop falling and finally melt!

Spring is around the corner and it's a symbol of new beginnings. I'm ready! Bring it on!

Dealing With The Blues

2007-12-14T22:33:00.000-05:00

Seasonal Affected Disorder? Depression? What's wrong with me?

I can honestly say that this summer I was at the top of my game. I felt beautiful and sexy, despite being a "big girl". I was happy. People commented on my appearance all the time. I was dating up a storm. I organized my high school reunion. I seriously felt like I could conquer the world and BAM, it all ended in the fall.

I came crashing down off my high. I am dealing with feeling unattractive, fat, unmotivated and generally unhappy. Not miserable or weepy, just very "blah" and uninspired. My skin is crappy, I feel tired most of the time, and I am eating more. Oh yay. Like I need that!

So now what? Christmas is coming and so far I've begged off of three parties. I have another tomorrow and yes I will definitely go to this one. I have two more parties coming up and honestly I could care less if I go. I think part of it is my constant state of singleness. This just seems 10 times more obvious during the Christmas season when couples head off to party after party, and I am forced to endure hours of hanging out with the "smug marrieds" (read Bridget Jones' Diary, you'll understand). It just isn't fun to be reminded that I don't have anyone with whom to share the ups and downs of my life. Perhaps this is the fundamental root of the problem.

So what am I going to do about it? I don't have a freaking clue!! I know what I need to do. going to the gym would be a great start. Going to the parties anyway would be another good thing. But am I doing it? Go back a couple of paragraphs. I can't seem to get motivated to do anything and I'm stuck in a vicious circle. And the fact that it's been a miserable start to the cold season with too much cold and too much slow, I feel like I could hibernate all winter and only come out in the spring.

I really want to shake the blues and welcome any comments you have that you think may help. I really want to find my mojo again.

"Stella needs her groove back!"

The Art of Romance and Dating

2007-12-08T09:24:00.000-05:00

Lately I've found myself wondering how many guys in this day and age really know how to woo a woman. Honestly I think they do know. With the abundance of media forms slapping us upside the head with ideas every day, why isn't anyone paying attention, taking notes, and using the tools that have been subtly provided?

I would love my guy (or potential guy) to plan a romantic dinner out (heck even making reservations would count at this point!), ask me out more than one hour in advance and find a way to make the evening special. A nice walk to see the Christmas lights, a drive to some hardly known dessert place, a quiet lounge for an after dinner drink.

What this boils down to is wanting to feel special. Wanting to feel wanted. It's not about the man always paying because these things get reciprocated. When women get swept off their feet, they give back twice as much. Women are givers but we need to feel special, like "Plan A", not the time filler because better offers didn't come along.

Invite me for a burger and a movie, Beavertails and ice sculptures, skating and hot toddies (okay maybe I'm too clumsy to go skating - that's another blog story altogether), but you get the idea. It's not the cost of the evening but the planning that woos a woman. Our hearts are stolen by the thought that went into planning a night that make us feel like there is no other place you'd rather be.

And realize guys, when you do this it pays off double! Nuff said! *wink*